and next time when you feel me up, do it right
even my farts smell like vagina
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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