that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
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