i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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