Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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