You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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