finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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