Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
