how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
