I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
