She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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