I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
