worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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