Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
