Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
