mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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