I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
