Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
