Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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