She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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