I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
