Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
