If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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