Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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