Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
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