my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
