Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
