I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
