I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
