I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
