All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
