hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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