How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
