I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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