If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Your penis caused this!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
