Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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