you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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