so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
