There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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