guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
