I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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