Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Also, beer. Big fan.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
