so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
