Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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