i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
