I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Send help, water and tortillas.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
