I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
