I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
