Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You can't motorboat a personality
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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