explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
