she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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