Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
"it" just moved
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
