Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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