I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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