i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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